Drunken Fuckery

...And then I figured out how to title my posts. Ok. Last night I got way too drunk. Naturally, this only exacerbated my Leg Spreadage Disorder. Whoops. I, or should I say we, should not be drinking. Not only does it interact poorly with our medication, it also causes anxiety and makes us act like morons. And sometimes, sluts. Okay a lot of the time. My family members have a cow if they see me in a facebook picture, beer in hand, but my psychiatrists are more interested in finding the root of the issue and working to get me to drink less. I keep track of how many drinks I have in a week and right now my goal is no more than seven. This is a work in progress. In the past, I've been given a dual diagnosis of substance abuse and bipolar II disorder. This is total bullshit and it has probably happened to you too. We self medicate with drugs and alcohol because lets face it, it feels awesome...for a while. I know myself pretty well and I can assure you that while I do enjoy boozing, I don't have a drinking problem. I do, however, have a problem with people telling me that I have a drinking problem. They tried to make me go to rehab and I said no, no, no. That being said, I wanted to share some of the stupidest things I've done while drinking to make you feel a little better about whatever drunk ass ho shit you've pulled in your short life. To be clear, drinking too much is not funny and can have serious consequences: making everyone hate you, getting arrested, peeing all over people's furniture, hospitalization, getting fat off of drunk eating jalapeno poppers, and many more. Now let's take the time to review some of my most  idiotic stunts.

1. It was Halloween of my freshman year of college. I was wearing a spandex jumpsuit because I was a "race car driver." Yeah, okay. I tasted the sweet nectar of Goldschlager for the very first time and delighted in the shiny, shiny, flakes of gold stuff. Then I delighted in pulling down my spandex jumpsuit to urinate in a well lit alley just in time for the fuzz to show up. I ran, I ripped my underwear on a barbed wire fence, and a police officer probably saw my boob (YOU'RE WELCOME). Somehow my drunk ass managed to evade an underage drinking ticket and a UIP (urinating in public). Can you imagine that call to my parents? "But Mom, I reaaally needed to go pee."I got really lucky but that doesn't make my actions any less shameful.

2. I rolled over next to...a half eaten cheesy burrito that had barfed its contents all over my bed. My sheets have never recovered.

3. I threw up in a solo cup at a really fancy bowling alley, passed out, woke up and asked where my boyfriend was. "Oh he dumped your ass and left after reading some incriminating texts on your phone." Happy Halloween! Have not seen that guy since..

4. I was drunk and smoked some weed in wax form with a blow torch. I noticed that my pants were kind of wet and inferred that I may or may not have pissed this guy's couch. My solution? I pretended to dump beer in my own lap, stand up and proclaim "MY VAGINA IS DRUNK!"At least no one suspected anything...

5. I got way too drunk at a date party and passed out, by myself, face first in a bus seat. We arrived at our destination and I could not be roused. My good friend hoisted me over his shoulder and carried me to a friend's house where I passed out with all of my lady treasures on display because I had intelligently decided not to wear underwear. Fortunately for me, no pictures exist and a kind soul dressed me in some sweatpants to hide my shame.

6. Standing on the back of a couch that was on a high platform while wearing a bunny costume, I chased cheap vodka with cheap wine until I face planted onto the floor and everyone saw my butt. Yes, my face hurt a lot the next morning.

Okay ladies, does this sound like someone you would want to date? Bring home to your parents? Admit that you know? No? Okay, then don't drink so damn much. Try this, make a list of the ten top dumbest things you've ever done and count how many of them were under the influence. We are not like everyone else! We get extra stupid when we drink. If you must indulge, try and pick a limit and stick with it. Maybe eliminate hard alcohol. We could all do with a little less drunken fuckery in our lives. I don't know about you, but I have enough shit to be embarrassed about as it is.

Your drunken pal,
QB