Thursday, January 10, 2013

Sticky Fingers

      Okay, so I didn't blog yesterday BUT I have a really good excuse. I was busy moping around and feeling sorry for myself for no particular reason. Grad school applications were stressing me out, my apartment looked like an explosion had occurred, and no one was giving me enough textual attention (I need a lot.)
      In fact, I have a pretend text boyfriend. Yes, ladies, I have cracked the code to being single. Find a guy, preferably one who lives in another state, forge your friendship out of text messages and then you can mutually benefit from the attention you give to one another. Yes, I know I'm on crack. But it works for me. Let's call my pretend text bf Blondie. Blondie is a freak and I have no idea why he talks to me. Probably the same reason that I talk to him: companionship with no strings attached or fine print. I mean OBVIOUSLY I've slept with him, but only once. And yes, it was great. Anyway, I figured out a way to do this without looking insane- make a really good guy friend! And stay extremely close with your best girlfriends. That way, when your heart is breaking, it won't hurt so much. Pretend text boyfriends are really the best way, if you can find them. But I digress...
      What I wanted to talk to you about is a very, very common manic behavior that is near and dear to my heart- stealing shit. I. love. stealing. shit. I like to call it "sticky fingers."It makes me feel like Catwoman and also a genius mastermind. The rush of the steal is what my manic brain craves and boy does it deliver. Who doesn't love getting shit for free? Unfortunately, last night, I got busted for the first time ever. This was a severe blow to my ego. Now let's back track a little...
     I lost my black beanie hat at a boy's apartment. This hat was a gift from my beloved little cousin and it is also my signature. Without my hat I am nothing! I am just a girl...without a hat. I walk into a hat store well knowing that I have literally zero dollars in my bank account. What exactly was my plan? I look around at the hats and find some beanies. Obviously the best ones are the most expensive cashmere beanies. I am eyeing the black beanie in particular so I do what any normal person would do. I quickly stuff it into my black scarf. Now, I should have walked out then before the manager had time to notice that the black one was missing, but I didn't. He kept asking me where I put it, blah, blah, blah. The jig was up. I went to the back of the store pulled it out and said in my very best actress voice "Oooh, THERE it is!" He took it from me and thanked me. Instead of speed walking out, for some reason I tried on a children's beanie and laughed. "You think that funny?" He asked me so that I knew he wasn't talking about the children's hat. "Yes, I do," I replied. As I walked out of the store, he leaned in and whispered "I know what you try to do." I turned around and said in my best Catwoman voice, "Oh yeah? PROVE it." Now, legally I could have just walked out with it since he had no legal right to detain me and didn't actually see me snag it. However, being foreign, he may not have known the laws and could have definitely tried to beat my ass. We will never know.
      Now, to be very clear, stealing is TACKY and WRONG. Don't you want to live in a world where people trust each other? I do. I also want to live in a world where I get everything for free but that's clearly not feasible. This was the first time I've ever gotten caught which made the consequences of stealing very real to me. I don't want to go to jail over a fucking hat! Or anything, for that matter. I know the rush is intoxicating, but you should have seen the way that guy looked at me, like I was the scum of the Earth. There are other, legal ways to get a rush. (When I figure out what they are, I'll let you know.) Remember, I'm still Bipolar and I'm still a work in progress. I'm not telling you to go out and steal a hat. I'm telling you that before you do, because I bet you want to, reconsider. It's just a hat. There will be other hats but you only get one shot at a future.

Your Sticky Fingers Catwoman Friend,
QB

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